This is a true story,
one which I will not
personally link myself to either way,
by outing my relationship as either
a friend or family member of Trudy.
I Plead the 5th &
all liability goes to Trudy,
the cracker-jack attorney.
In order to protect the innocent
and/or the unindicted,
I have changed ALL names & geography….
Here’s a Helpful Little Key,
for Following Along:
CONNIE:
Not short for "Constance",
But: HYPOCONDRIAC.
MOTHER OF
TRUDY,
JOANNIE &
KIERAN.
FIRST WIFE OF PERRY,
SECOND WIFE OF DIRK &
THIRD WIFE OF TATU.
PERRY:
UNLUCKY HUSBAND #1 OF CONNIE.
DIRK:
MUCH-LUCKIER HUSBAND #2 OF CONNIE.
DIRK IS THE CLOSEST NAME TO “DEREK”, WHICH IS A PLAY ON THE REAL NAME
WHEN THE REAL NAME IS TRANSLATED INTO A FOREIGN LANGUAGE…
never mind.
TATU:
Luckiest Man on Earth....
HUSBAND #3 OF CONNIE.
TATU MEANS "3", in Swahili….
If I used a Dutch translator it would have been:
“DER-DE..."
and you would have
gone through this stupid story
thinking he didn’t bathe.
Tatu, it is.
TRUDY:
Oldest Daughter &
Child of Connie & Perry.
CRACKER-JACK ATTORNEY.
JOANNIE:
Youngest Daughter &
Middle Child Of Connie & Perry.
KIERAN:
Only Son &
Youngest Child
Of Connie & Perry.
SECOND CRACKER-JACK..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok...Here we go.
Connie & Perry were married
in late 1940something,
& had three children:
Trudy, Joannie & Kieran
& moved to the outer suburbs of New Jersey.
Connie was a Big Ol’ Beotch,
before the word ever existed.
She was a psychotic Mother,
who never should have been
blessed with children.
Connie treated her
husband, Perry...like shit.
Always.
Perry was horribly burned
as a young child,
yet it never stopped him
from an honest day’s work &
being a great man.
One time, Perry asked his wife
to make a sandwich for him
& her loving response to him was:
“You’re not crippled…
Get up & make it yourself.”
His burns had left him with a fraction of a foot….
After twenty-five odd years
of hell on Planet Connie,
Perry filed for divorce from Connie.
Connie couldn’t get
her arms around the fact
that he had dumped her,
after all those years she toiled at
treating him like pond scum &
emasculating him on a daily basis,
I have found & freely highjacked
material which caused me to shoot my beloved
360º Double Chocolate Vodka
Economy-size
& its' "Mini-Me",
right the hell out of my nose,
so I thought I'd make the day of
AngryWhiteDude
So poor old Steve comes home all excited because he saved some money for the family…maybe to buy his bitch-ass wife some more plants to dink around with. He needs, like a puppy, to get patted on the head by his master for doing something good! But the boss is an American woman and has been trained to think all men are stupid idiots! Just watch any commercial or TV show! So she immediately thinks Steve has made a (heaven forbid!) unilateral decision and it will cost more money. Money she had planned on using to buy another ubiquitous, over-priced Louis @#*& Vuitton ugly brown purse that every spoiled, self-serving American woman has to carry to prove to her spoiled, self-serving girlfriends that she is someone special!
The piece that really puts me in jail is when she mumbles under her breath “I should have listened to my Mother and married John Clark.” Screw you, screw your old hag mother and screw that half-a-*&( n @#*&ing Clark!! Steve also wishes that ugly wildebeest had married John Clark too…so now it would be John Clark who’s miserable and sitting in the car dreading to walk in the house after work because he knows he’s going to get his ass kicked over something else by his big, fat, nasty, miserable,
bitch-ass wife!
I don’t know why this commercial is set in a greenhouse. Every movie I have ever seen with a greenhouse always has somebody getting killed in it! I kept waiting for Steve to chop his wife’s head off with a shovel or something. He could have at least locked her ass in the greenhouse and pumped in some poisonous gas. But no, Steve is the brow-beaten American man who won’t even stand up for himself by verbally reducing this fat-n-nasty to a heap of feminist sludge...
Please give a little love to A.W.D.,
by visiting his site, which I've included:
Sorry, I swerved:
Soooooooo......
Connie did the next logical thing
she could come up with &
drove him to the cleaners.
On the trip to divorce court,
Connie 'manipulated' her adult son
into siding with her,
in court & under oath…
Swearing that he
had witnessed his Father,
beating his Mother.
Perry wasn't 150 pounds,
soaking wet...
with cinder blocks
tied to his feet.
Perry lost
EVERYTHING...
All due to that disgusting display
of lies & heart-break,
in the promise of inheriting
when his Mother’s time to go,
would come.
So, this loving son strayed
from his Father’s loyalty.
And killed his Father, in the process.
He tried to apologize to his Father,
but Perry shut the door in his face &
never saw him again.
In the late 1970's,
Perry was fortunate enough
to find & marry a woman who loved him,
for who he was….
But all of that love couldn’t save him &
Perry literally drank himself to death,
out of the grief & emptiness
of his only son's betrayal.
This snake of a son had no choice
but to have all of the mirrors
removed from his house.
Connie got her mojo back &
snagged wealthy husband #2…DIRK.
Connie made the move to Dirk's house,
in Glenmere Lake, NY.
One fine Autumn weekend,
Connie & Dirk went to Monticello, NY
to visit Kieran & his family.
The next morning, Connie &
Kieran’s wife went shopping.
Dirk was puttering around in Kieran’s garage..
Kieran thought, “great!” &
went to watch some slasher movie marathon...
Meanwhile, Dirk keels over,
has a massive heart attack &
dies while waiting for Kieran
to come lend a hand
with the puttering & find him.
Oh, he found him, alright….
Nice going, Kieran...
You're two for two.
In her indescribable grief &
simultaneous stroke of
pure marriage luck,
Connie decides to
move to North Carolina,
to the house that she and Dirk
were supposed to go & occupy together.
She soon snags her a new hunk…
a big Dutch dock worker,
who emigrated from
Holland to North Carolina,
just so he could fish until he died &
not freeze his ass off.
She makes the
necessary preparations
to make him,
& his loot...
her own.
I shall call him:
TATU.
any resemblances would be completely creepy
(See Follow-Along Key)
While living in North Carolina,
poor ol’ Tatu soon develops dementia &
is pretty much, permanently...
out to lunch.
One day, Connie decides she’s
having another medical emergency &
like she's calling for Chinese take-out…
calls for an ambulance,
to take her to her favorite place
in the whole wide world…
the Emergency Attention-Getting Room.
After fetching the ambulance &
before leaving on a stretcher,
she realizes Tatu is not safe by himself,
so she locks him in a back bedroom,
with a sandwich & a glass of milk.
For whatever stupid reason,
the hospital admits Connie.
When she suddenly realizes
that she left Tatu under lock & key,
she calls a neighbor with a spare key,
The neighbor realizes
that this is just not right &
shows up at at Connie’s
bed-side in the hospital,
with Tatu in tow.
She’s yelling at Connie
that she can’t lock an
Alzheimer’s patient in a room &
go traipsing off to the hospital!
Connie realizes that she’s really not
in a position of strength,
to make a decision about
where Tatu should sleep that night,
so she tells the neighbor
that he will stay in her
hospital room with her…
The disgusted neighbor
calls Tatu’s daughter,
who comes to pick up her father &
take him home with her to Minnesota,
(she apparently also emigrated for a more temperate climate)
after being granted legal guardianship of him.
She calls Trudy in New Mexico,
to inform her of what’s happening.
She also tells her that Connie
will be taken into custody,
upon her release from the hospital,
for negligent care of an
Alzheimer’s Patient,
as defined by NC law:
Neglect: A person is guilty of neglect if that person is a caretaker of a disabled or elder adult who is residing in a domestic setting and, wantonly, recklessly, or with gross carelessness: (i) fails to provide medical or hygienic care, or (ii) confines or restrains the disabled or elder adult in a place or under a condition that is unsafe, and as a result of the act or failure to act the disabled or elder adult suffers mental or physical injury.
Trudy tells her,
"Your father isn’t even my relative,
but I have such empathy for him."
“You mean because of his dementia?”
she asks.
“No, because he had to live
with my f’ing Mother.
So Tatu is off to his new life in the woods…
back to the very climate that he
desperately left his homeland because of..
…And Trudy is off to NC
to take possession
of her felonious mother
after she was arrested, booked & released.
She takes her back to NM with her, to live…
After a few months in hell,
Trudy tells her that a new plan is in order,
as this ain’t working.
She moves her into
an assisted living facility,
Connie likes her new digs
for a few, quick weeks
cause she’s the new-kid-on-the-block &
all the NM’an eyes are upon her.
But as soon as the next,
brand-new 89-year old-
new-kid on-the-block moved in,
it’s kapootsky’s for Connie’s love affair
with her new home.
One day, an aide finds Connie sitting
at the bottom of the shower.
Connie tells her that she fell &
remained there for two hours.
The administrator calls Trudy &
tells her that her Mother requires
additional services ($$$$)
that need to be implemented,
or she can’t stay.
Trudy tells her that
"We’ve got to sell your house,
to pay for these additional requirements."
Connie says,
“Oh, no….I have NOTHING &
Connie wants to go back to
Trudy’s house to live.
When that’s kyboshed by
Trudy’s very-smart husband,
Connie gets on the phone to her
OTHER daughter in NH.
Enter Joannie…
Now this daughter is an apple picked straight from her mother’s orchard…
When she adopted a baby, she dyed the infant’s hair BLONDE,
like her own, so that people would think that she had truly given birth,
although no one ever saw her with a bulging belly.
Joannie arranges it so that
there is no communication
with her two siblings & their Mother,
as she has had
a P.owerO.fA.ttorney executed
&
now has control of the controls.
Trudy drives from
her home in
Montezuma, NM
(I'm not touching this one)
(Ok, so sue me....I'm a comedian)
to Albuquerque
to see Connie, only to find out that
Connie has left strict orders
that if her daughter Trudy
shows up to see her,
she’s not being seen.
Trudy’s daughter had
both legs in casts, at the time.
On the day of the visit,
the casts are being changed &
she has no choice but to
take her MUMMY with her.
They get to the facility to visit
Grandma Hypo,
but she can’t get the wheelchair
for her daughter opened.
Having no choice & running out of daylight,
she carries this kid on her back,
with two fresh, wet plaster casts
smacking into her ass
as she’s walking down the hall.
When she gets word from
the nurse that her presence is not welcomed,
she has no choice but to turn around &
go back down the hall, with her
Mummy in tow.
She’s so pissed off,
that she waits two weeks to call her Mother.
When she calls, she’s not there.
When she inquires where she is,
she’s told she is
"not allowed to be told."
Trudy calls her brother & asks,
“Is Mom with you in NY??”
“Um,
NO!
You took her to NM, remember???”
he frantically reminds her.
"Well, I apparently
don’t have her anymore,”
she informs him.
As she fills him in,
they both get the same light bulb,
at the same second:
JOANNIE.
They call Joannie in NH.
“Hey, have you spoken with Mom lately?”
they inquired.
“Uhm, about 10 seconds ago,”
she sarcastically responded.
“Kieran hasn’t called Mom in three weeks &
YOU haven’t called her in two…
so Mom called the only child (who’s 61)
who truly loves her.
Now she’s with me, in my loving home.”
As it turned out,
Connie never set foot in Joannie’s home,
because when she got off the plane from
NM TO NH,
the taxi took her directly to her new home,
in Keene, NH:
Whilst Connie was in transit,
Joannie went to NC &
sucked up every asset
from her Mother’s house,
that she could fit into the vacuum.
She then executed the
P.owerO.fA.ttorney
for her Mother,
stipulating all kinds of stupid ass rules &
regulations about ANYONE
interacting with Connie.
So, she next sells Connie’s house,
to allegedly pay for her Mother’s
costly care in Keene.
Then, just as Connie is
making new friends &
it’s her turn to call BINGO!,
Joannie unceremoniously
yanks her out of there,
saying that she’s rethought the
assisted living facility route &
that she should be in
her daughter's loving home,
...where she belongs...
Thanksgiving rolls around &
Joannie calls her brother in NY,
to tell him that she has
serious turkey plans &
how he needs to get on a plane
tomorrow,
to come & be with his mother
for Thanksgiving Day.
When he tells her that he’ll get there
as soon as he can, but Thanksgiving,
which is
tomorrow
has already been set for him in NY,
“You need to see her NOW,
because it might be
THE LAST TIME YOU EVER SEE HER.”
Kieran is incredulous &
tells his reality-challenged sister
that their Mother is
barely 80 years old &
a cannon couldn’t kill her…
She doesn’t have a single ailment!
“Oh, no brother..you are wrong.
Mom has CANCER &
her respiratory system
is terribly weak."
Joannie had attended
THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS
MEDICAL SCHOOL IN THE U.S.A.,
(But Graduated From The Barbizon School of Modeling)
Therefore, Kieran figured
she had to know
what she was talking about....
"Hospice is here.”
Kieran calls Trudy,
all upset that she never
informed him that
his beloved beotch of a
Mother was dying.
“WTF are you talking about???”
Trudy screams into the phone
to NY from NM.
“Mom doesn’t have cancer!!
I took her to the doctor, to have
blood work done a month ago.
...She’s healthier than you are.”
“Well, Joannie just told me
that she’s dying &
Hospice has been called in.”
“That’s impossible, Kieran…
to have Hospice,
you have to have a prescri…”
they both hysterically
screamed into each other’s receivers.
Apparently, Joannie ain’t
missing sandwiches from
her picnic basket, for nothin’.
All of her life, she has had a
raging drug problem,
resulting in some reflective time
for stealing prescription pads
from each brand-new doctor she would visit.
They quickly surmised that
Joannie had a brand-new
Dr. Boy-Toy,
the prolific author of multiple scripts
for respiratory inhibitors &
most importantly:
...A prescription for Hospice.
Due to the fact that his new,
UNnaturally blonde babe’s Mother
was getting in the way of their budding love…
he had to help her, to help her,
TO GO.
Kieran & Trudy backtracked the plot,
as they SURMISED how it went down:
(I Plead the 5th & ALL liability goes to Trudy, the cracker-jack attorney.)
Connie calls Joannie…
Tells her,
"You’re the only child of mine
that loves me &
I’M GIVING YOU
EVERYTHING..."
(EVERYTHING must be pooped by now,
from all of the traveling it has done...)
In a NY minute,
Joannie packs her up & out of NM,
for a pastural existence in NH.
She goes to NC to clean her out,
literally & figuratively.
Joannie moves her into Keene &
immediately leaves for NC
to sell her home.
When that’s all wrapped up,
she takes her newly acquired assets &
signs her OUT of Keene…
…into the currently unfinished,
uninsulated basement of her house.
Joannie then set out for the
wild bar-scene of bucolic NH,
to score herself a piece of
gullible medical tail
(blonde, no doubt)
to get what she needs,
in the form of a brand-new
prescription-pad-wielding-physician,
for Connie’s brand-new medical needs.
She takes very good care of her Mother,
bringing her three meals a day,
plus snacks, drinks, crossword puzzles
That’s Valium & Halcion,
to you and I.
“You need to see her now, because it might be
THE LAST TIME YOU EVER SEE HER.”
As these words were repeating
on a loop in Kieran’s head,
he & his oldest sister
decided that this was all
horse-shit histrionics
from Joannie's past.
When Trudy’s phone rang
on Thanksgiving Day, she answered it
to find her brother on the other end.
“Hi, Kieran.
Happy Thanksgiving.”
“Happy Thanksgiving,
Trudy.
Mom’s Dead.”
“What did you
just say?????????????????”
Kieran was hyper-ventilating
into an apparent paper bag,
on the other end,
as Trudy was trying
to understand
what he was telling her.
“Joannie just called me &
told me that when she
brought Mom breakfast this morning,
she discovered that
she had 'slipped away.'
“Then she said she had to go,
because if she didn’t get
the bird in the oven NOW,
they’d be eating at midnight!!”
When the installation of
Hospice takes place,
there is something that doesn’t:
AN AUTOPSY…
Two cracker-jack attorneys
in the family & the Lunatic takes
Bravo, Joannie...Bravo.
~SusiTheJ ~
