MEDIFAST, MY ASS...

Doug &

I recently

came to a conclusion:

We Are Fat.

Yes, I believe

 we're awesomely

PHAT,

but I digress.

My butt

 looks like a side of beef.

Which, coincidentally

I would sell my Mother

for at this moment.

We decided that

 due to

 ridiculous schedules,

complete exhaustion,

a couple of botched surgeries &

a very deep love

of all things cheese,

 and bread

we are

way

out of control.

 

 

 

Enter Dr. Ken Kochman.

 

 

Leave it to my beloved

 golf pro of a husband,

to give a lesson

to a member

& I end up





 starving.

Dr. Ken is a chiropractor,

who no longer is a

 practicing chiropractor.

Apparently,

he made so much

damned money

by making so many people

so damned hungry...

Oh, good.

More Useful Information.

"After I lost 58 pounds on the Take Shape for Life Program,

I now enjoy sharing the gift of a Healthy Body,

A Healthy Mind (nice try) & Healthy Finances!"

 http://www.drkochman.tsfl.com

Dr. Ken was a big boy,

ONCE.

Now he's a tall skinny dude,

who doesn't go

to his office anymore.

He has replaced

the ability of being a doctor

with the ability

 to make me

hungry and

 grouchy.

He has a laugh

 that I can't get enough of.

I've tried to explain to him,

with all due respect...

…That his laugh

is a dead-ringer for

Brian Griffin,

drinking martinis,

drunk off his doggy ass,

 

                               

   

 

No shit.

That is what he sounds like.

It's the only thing

keeping me from pouring

bbq sauce all over him 

&

cooking his


Long Island ass 


 'til he’s

medium rare.

This man was apparently

put into our lives,

to guide us through &

show us the lite

 (yuk, yuk, yuk).

Secretly,

I'm waiting for him to

guide us to

 Wendy's,

but I sure ain't

 holding my breath.

I'M HUNGRY.

I'm a big girl.




I was born a big girl.

I need to be properly fed.

It says so


 in the instruction book

that I came with.

  

I have lost



 ten pounds in



2,200 days.





Ok, ok...


It's been





22 days.




But it sure feels like it



 deserves a comma.

 

Great, huh?

I should be




pretty

danged

 stoked.

But I'm not.

My husband

has probably lost

the same amount



 as I have



 on THIS DIET,

except

EVERYONE

is complimenting

HIM

on how he is

MELTING AWAY....

Wanna Hear F'd Up?
When I was little, I CRIED when they
melted the Wicked Witch of the
WEST...
My parents looked at each other &
shuddered a little.

My beloved,

freaking husband

went on a diet,

 BEFORE we started OUR diet.

It's akin to


 cleaning the house,

before the f'ing maid



 shows up.

 

It's f'd up, is what it is.

"Ooohhh Dougie....
 

 

You're wasting


 away to nothing!!"

“Hey, Sue…

Doug looks



soooooo good,

Maybe YOU should think

about trying the diet

he’s on…”

Bite Me, Dougie &



All of the fools you




paid to say this crap to me.

Love You To Death.

I'd Die For You.
(Except For That Aruba Bathroom Door Thingy)

But Bite Me,







Big Time.

I'm thinking about sabotaging him,

just a little

to bring him back to



where he



SHOULD




have

started out with me..

I REFUSE

 to be seen in public

with my skinny husband.

If one more person comments

on HIS weight loss,

I will remove their eyeball

with a cocktail fork 

& dip it in

Walden Farm’s

Calorie-Free

Cocktail Sauce,

Goddamnit..

Fair warning, fools.

And Dr. Ken....

Go try tennis....

  ~SusiTheVeryHungryJ~

 

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