What Possessed Me???: Hi Ho, Hi Ho....It's Off To The Betty Ford Clinic, I Go....

It appears that my fat ass is

on the verge of being

shipped off to rehab,

by my fed-up husband.

I'm not drinking,

too, too much.

I'm not using any illicit drugs.

I'm not a sex fiend.

I am psychologically ravaged by

BEJEWELED BLITZ.

You know...

That stupid f'ing game that is offered

through your facebook account.

I was never a "blingy" kind of girl...

I have my beloved

engagement ring &

wedding ring &

a few pieces of NICE costume jewelry....

No. The gems I pine for are electronic.

They go BOOM!

This game is free of charge to play,

which has proven to be

the unraveling of

what's left of my mind.

It is, no doubt,

a game that has been developed by

psychotic Nazis.....

Or Former Nuns.

Same Jello mold.

The kind of geniuses they recruit

from Think Tanks,

Brain-Trust Roundtables &

Hospitals for the Criminally Insane.

Lunatics, in a word.

I have had to defend my incessant play

of this miserable form of self-entertainment

on many an occassion.

But in my defense of my demented self,

I explained to my

beloved, pissed-off spouse....

It's The Voice Of The Man In The Game

That Keeps Me Coming Back For More:

I picture a Chinese Warrior,

for some stupid reason.

I'm mentally torn on whether I'm channeling

Confucius

Christopher Walken in Drag.

Doug and I were watching Kill Bill, Vol. 2
last night & I loudly exclaimed,

"Hello, Lov--ah!!!!!"

No. It was not Fabio, in a loincloth....
It was not some supposedly hot,
hunky,
hollywood
homeboy
that made me squeal...

...ONLY MY GOLF PRO CAN DO THAT...

woof.

This was the man of my subconscious dreams:

PEI MEI

It's what he says,

when I do good.

"Excellent."

"Awesome."

"Spectacular."

There's another, greater superlative...

but I'm not so good, that I get to hear it very often,

and subsequently can't recall it.

I guess I just figured that if I play this

f'ing game enough,

that would be all that sticks in my empty head.

I think I've actually gifted my husband

with the gift of escape:

I don't require him to ply me with these

adjectives, the way that I require Pei to do...

that would appear way too needy.

Instead, I get my jollies

from an unknown 900 year-old Chinese Man,

who apparently doesn't know any better.

I giggle when he rewards me with

my descriptive accolades.

When I venture out to get my piggies painted,

my cute little Korean Nail Chick named Su

laughs at me, as she's sloughing off an extra foot or two and hears Pei pseudo-patting me on the back with his purty talk....

"What dat???"

I tried to quickly explain it to her,

but she insisted on watching me play.

Now, every time I go to see her, I place my ugly

dogs into the footbath & she starts:

"Whas new? she will inquire.
Me: "Uhm, blah blah, blah blah..."
"YOU AWE.....SUM!!!!!"

"I hate Chinese men,

but this guy cool!"

Good Grief.

I've started a race war in Dutchess County.

My absolute favorite part is when

Cat's Eye is activated.

Now, if you follow my blog

you know about my feelings and

historical experiences with felines.

Not my pet preference, for a pet...

but this cat,

with eyes like the

robot from the Scooby Doo episode