Lies!
I have become Frau.
I am Frau,
because this is
now the
because this is
now the
only word in my
vocabulary.
You see,
I am a drained consumer.
I am a drained consumer.
I have consumed.
I have been guilty of
a Naive Mind.
And, now
I have no mind.
I have no mind.
I have lost it..
There, I said it plain.
I always believed
that I am quite thorough,
that I am quite thorough,
when it came to
purchasing products.
purchasing products.
Whether I did my
incessant research on an item,
incessant research on an item,
read every damned label
in the supermarket,
called the company,
True Fact:
It takes me forever to food shop,
in seeking out food that does not have
an expiration date from 1997 or prior...
Thus, I once found myself in our local A&P at night.
As I read and searched and perused
and lost track of reality,
I came around the corner
of the next aisle &
banged into a pimple-studded
seventeen-year-old with headphones
attached to his head.
He took one look at me &
actually shrieked.
Oh, shit.
Was my mascara down my face like
Ozzie or something?
Was I that scary at night?
"What are you doing in here???????"
he, no kidding,
sincerely inquired,
cause he didn't seem to know.
I paused,
as I considered my response.
"Um, I think
I'm grocery shopping, dear.
Does that sound correct?"
"Lady, we CLOSED two hours ago...
You're not supposed to be here.
You can't be here.
I was supposed to make sure
no one was still here. Shit."
I blinked rapidly,
as I processed his declaration.
I dropped my head,
to scan the overflowing contents
of my grocery cart.
My loaf of bread protruded
over the side like
an accident victim
waving for help.
I shopped in a fog of
best-used-by-dates,
fat and fiber content,
Non-GMO vs. Organic information
so deeply that
I failed to notice
that I hadn't passed
another shopping human
for over 120 minutes.
This is what my life
had been reduced to.
I was so over-due,
that the cash registers
were shut down & it took
a manager another 2 hours
to process my sale,
without the benefit of technology.
He had first insinuated
that I should abandon
my flowing cart of choices &
call it a night.
When he saw the contorted
look of horror on my face,
I think he figured utilizing a
calculator was better than utilizing
the S.W.A.T. Team.
Just to "F" with his mind,
for failing to make
that requisite announcement
at the close of day
for selecting food & household items,
when he announced
the amount that I owed,
I presented him with my
neatly organized & paper-clipped
pile of coupons!
I had spent three-million seconds
in that place, carefully selecting
unexpired foods & items that were used
to lure me in, at a ridiculous price.
I certainly was not
going gently
into that good night...
or the empty parking lot.
But, it matters not.
called the company,
PURCHASED a subscription to
Consumer Reports,
Consumer Reports,
I have been thorough.
True Fact:
It takes me forever to food shop,
in seeking out food that does not have
an expiration date from 1997 or prior...
Thus, I once found myself in our local A&P at night.
As I read and searched and perused
and lost track of reality,
I came around the corner
of the next aisle &
banged into a pimple-studded
seventeen-year-old with headphones
attached to his head.
He took one look at me &
actually shrieked.
Oh, shit.
Was my mascara down my face like
Ozzie or something?
Was I that scary at night?
"What are you doing in here???????"
he, no kidding,
sincerely inquired,
cause he didn't seem to know.
I paused,
as I considered my response.
"Um, I think
I'm grocery shopping, dear.
Does that sound correct?"
"Lady, we CLOSED two hours ago...
You're not supposed to be here.
You can't be here.
I was supposed to make sure
no one was still here. Shit."
I blinked rapidly,
as I processed his declaration.
I dropped my head,
to scan the overflowing contents
of my grocery cart.
My loaf of bread protruded
over the side like
an accident victim
waving for help.
I shopped in a fog of
best-used-by-dates,
fat and fiber content,
Non-GMO vs. Organic information
so deeply that
I failed to notice
that I hadn't passed
another shopping human
for over 120 minutes.
How f'ing sad is that??
This is what my life
had been reduced to.
I was so over-due,
that the cash registers
were shut down & it took
a manager another 2 hours
to process my sale,
without the benefit of technology.
He had first insinuated
that I should abandon
my flowing cart of choices &
call it a night.
When he saw the contorted
look of horror on my face,
I think he figured utilizing a
calculator was better than utilizing
the S.W.A.T. Team.
Just to "F" with his mind,
for failing to make
that requisite announcement
at the close of day
for selecting food & household items,
when he announced
the amount that I owed,
I presented him with my
neatly organized & paper-clipped
pile of coupons!
I had spent three-million seconds
in that place, carefully selecting
unexpired foods & items that were used
to lure me in, at a ridiculous price.
I certainly was not
going gently
into that good night...
or the empty parking lot.
But, it matters not.
If
I
I guarantee it sucks.
And, I can prove it.
Exhibit A:
My husband and I
peacefully co-existed
peacefully co-existed
with a refrigerator from 1979,
until the door jumped from
it's hinges and the duct tape
couldn't take it no more.
Even the duct tape failed me.
it's hinges and the duct tape
couldn't take it no more.
Even the duct tape failed me.
This refrigerator,
although old, unsexy and
unkind to my broken back,
unkind to my broken back,
owed us nothing &
saw us through.
When it's demise presented itself,
we were forced to enter this century
and buy a new one.
I was stupidly excited
about our future
refrigeration needs!
I had never had a new one.
When I bought my apartment,
it was included...and it served me well.
Then we had old faithful
for
10,000 years
&
for
10,000 years
NEVER, ever had a repair,
a problem or a headache.
a problem or a headache.
Granted, I made my
own ice cubes.
I did. I admit it.
I had an old, award-winning
family recipe &
utilized it on a near daily basis.
family recipe &
utilized it on a near daily basis.
I could live with that.
When we selected our
dearly departed's replacement,
I thought long and hard.
dearly departed's replacement,
I thought long and hard.
I knew what was important.
I did my research!
I did my side-by-side comparisons,
of price,
of ice,
of ease and
of peace...
We journeyed to LOW'S
(Nope. Not spelled incorrectly.)
to pick out a new baby.
Yes, yes...I was slightly tingly.
It was a first for me &
I wanted to enjoy it.
Good thing I enjoyed
THE PROCESS.
We asinine-ly
selected a
SamShit,
selected a
SamShit,
doubled doored,
freezer-on-the-bottom-cause-I'm-a-gimp,
with an auto ice maker.
No water dispenser, thank you.
As it turns out,
I wouldn't have been
strong enough for
that amenity.
No water dispenser, thank you.
As it turns out,
I wouldn't have been
strong enough for
that amenity.
As I perused my new addition,
I was dreamily picturing
donating my trusty,
plastic ice cube trays...
that I would never need again!
Like a real adult,
I could open the freezer drawer &
fill my cup with
the magical droppings
that would be provided for me
by Tokyo.
by Tokyo.
Uh, huh.
Three weeks into
my relationship,
I went for some
magically made ice &
magically made ice &
found
NONE.
WTF?????
Where's my ice?
My stomach did a little flip,
as I just knew we were sailing into shit.
I went to call the 800-number for
SamShit,
that is included on the unit.
If you are in possession
of the Hubble Telescope,
you MIGHT
be able to pick the number
up correctly.
I wear reading glasses
& they were useless.
Using a magnifying glass,
I assumed I had the
correct number &
stupidly placed the call.
I was transferred through
a bevy of experts.
The final expert
stayed on the phone
with me for nearly
AN HOUR.
When I explained that
my brand-new
SamShit,
was not producing
my beloved ice cubes,
they stated that they would
hold my hand &
walk me through
The Valley of Death.
The nice lady
that was doing
the hand-holding,
had herself
a little attitude.
As she was
expertly guiding me,
from her trusty little
how-to guide-a-moron guidebook,
she was insinuating
that I was a little...
SLOW.
She had a little
snide sneer
in her voice,
that said I had
been the problem
with the
SamShit,
not producing as promised.
Their service model
SOUNDS
incredibly professional.
They asked for my first name,
& then thanked me
for that information.
Ditto on my last name.
Just as grateful,
she did sound.
Wow, the Japanese
are really stepping up
the customer service,
I unintelligently
thought to myself.
She took me through
pages of instruction,
on how to get those
frozen nuggets of water
to drop down
into my anxiously
awaiting ice bin.
She had me push buttons that
N.A.S.A.
ain't never seen.
Some odd configuration
of a seven-second
hold on one button,
while you whistle Dixie &
try to depress the other button...
at the same time.
When it needed repeating,
she got a little attitudy.
Professionally attitudy, that is.
It was masked with
a crappy version of
"I'm here to help you"
false-facade.
False facade??
Ugh. I'm going to hell.
So, after scolding me
for being a moron,
the tutorial comes to
a screeching halt
when she announces that
I
SHOULD
see
AN
ICE
CUBE
within
Ok, I admit it.
I got rude.
Just a little.
I abbreviated
my profanity,
so as not to
personally assault
this Robo-Rep's ears.
She took
complete umbrage at my
utter unwillingness
to wait the
required waiting period
for
one
single
ice cube
to appear.
"Well, that's how it works,"
she snidely let me know.
Really????
Does it say that in your manual??
24 hours?
Why not a week?
I have time.
Well, that encounter
finally ended &
at the
hour mark,
a single nugget
of frozen bliss
plopped into
its' waiting bin,
as promised.
They were true
to their word.
With two to spare...
Yeah, me.
Some months later,
yet still considered
brand-new...
I was returned
to the scene of
the crime.
No ice.
I don't think
I had enough
cash on hand
for bail.
Repeated the
entire scenario,
except this time
they accused me
of having items
in my freezer
and blocking the vents
that appear all around
the pull out bins.
I was informed
that these vents
MUST be kept clear,
so that the
'freeze'
can actually
circulate throughout.
As this information
was given to me,
I perused my freezer &
according to the specs of this
freeze-resistant box,
I could easily plan
to store
two items
without
blocking anything venty.
In late May of this year,
it happened again.
This time,
no bevy of experts.
No hand-holding.
They were
sending out
a tech!
Wow.
The tech shows up, after
for an appointment.
He needs to see my
proof of warranty,
which was not
mentioned or
reminded to me
when
the appointment
was made.
Reluctantly, I called
SamShit.
Yes, I did.
I had to.
They informed me that our
ONE YEAR WARRANTY
had expired
at the close of April.
How does a
come with
one year of service??
She quickly
reminded me that
we had paid
for an extended,
four-year warranty,
through
LOW'S ,
and that
SamShit
should not have
booked the appointment...
this was now
LOW'S
baby.
So,
LOW'S
tries to relay to
Mr. Repairman
that we are covered,
but his iPad
ain't getting the message.
After an hour and a half,
Mr. Repairman
is instructed by
his Mothership
to leave,
as they can't
rectify the situation.
I chased (ok, hobbled)
after his truck,
begging him to
come back for cash...
Or golf clubs.
No go.
No way.
And No ice.
But!!
before he left,
he threw
a thermometer in
the refrigerator &
informed me
that it
was approximately
60°
in there.
Back on the phone
to LOW'S.
LOW'S re-books
the appointment,
with the
same service center that
SamShit
had sent,
They inform me
that we have
$250 worth of
"Lost Food Coverage"
under our warranty.
Yippee. Great.
I had to dump
the entire contents of
the hot box &
write down
each item & it's price.
Just my organic mustard collection
cost us more than that...
10 days of take-out, salads &
bowls of cereal later,
two new Mr. Repairmen
show up on Tuesday.
They assure me
that they
are here
to save the day!
Real nice guys,
but I had no faith.
They informed me
that the
back panel of my
14-month old
SamShit
was frozen solid...
In the REFRIGERATOR.
Frozen!!!!
That's the word
I had been
looking for all along!
In the freezer, unfortunately.
When they realized that my
LITHIUM
required refrigeration,
they placed the order
for the parts,
on an
EMERGENCY BASIS.
The parts would be
over-nighted &
then I could call for
a new
appointment!
So, a big box
shows up
on Thursday,
which is over-night
on other planets.
I call the service center,
as directed
(and I use that term reluctantly)
&
tell them that
the parts have arrived.
I beg them
in three languages
to send someone
right over.
After they finished
rolling on the floor,
they inform me
that they can't do any better
than the following
We're now at the
four-week mark
and they're still using the word
'service'
in their name.
Apparently,
my now
unchilled Lithium stash
was of no mind
to them.
Stupid move.
On Monday,
another part
shows up by UPS!!
Gee, thank God
they sucketh mightily &
wouldn't get me in earlier...
I even, stupidly inquired,
(not because I'm anal retentive,
but because I've been
screwed over so many times),
at the time of the
placement of the emergency order,
if all parts would arrive
at the same time.
"They should."
Uh, Huh.
My other favorite word.
Like when I ask my husband,
"Honey, do we have enough gasoline
to get us home?"
"We SHOULD."
So, Tuesday comes &
they return.
This is what my
REFRIGERATOR
looked like:
Thank God we didn't opt for
the automatic water dispenser....
We'd probably get
flames shooting out.....
The now, over-flowing bin of ice
is just about the only
thing that's in this
piece of crap.
We're buying new
Duct Tape.
up correctly.
I wear reading glasses
& they were useless.
Using a magnifying glass,
I assumed I had the
correct number &
stupidly placed the call.
I was transferred through
a bevy of experts.
The final expert
stayed on the phone
with me for nearly
AN HOUR.
When I explained that
my brand-new
SamShit,
my beloved ice cubes,
they stated that they would
hold my hand &
walk me through
The Valley of Death.
The nice lady
that was doing
the hand-holding,
had herself
a little attitude.
As she was
expertly guiding me,
from her trusty little
how-to guide-a-moron guidebook,
she was insinuating
that I was a little...
SLOW.
She had a little
snide sneer
in her voice,
that said I had
been the problem
with the
SamShit,
Their service model
SOUNDS
incredibly professional.
They asked for my first name,
& then thanked me
for that information.
Ditto on my last name.
Just as grateful,
she did sound.
Wow, the Japanese
are really stepping up
the customer service,
I unintelligently
thought to myself.
She took me through
pages of instruction,
on how to get those
frozen nuggets of water
to drop down
into my anxiously
awaiting ice bin.
She had me push buttons that
N.A.S.A.
ain't never seen.
Some odd configuration
of a seven-second
hold on one button,
while you whistle Dixie &
try to depress the other button...
at the same time.
When it needed repeating,
she got a little attitudy.
Professionally attitudy, that is.
It was masked with
a crappy version of
"I'm here to help you"
false-facade.
False facade??
Ugh. I'm going to hell.
So, after scolding me
for being a moron,
the tutorial comes to
a screeching halt
when she announces that
I
SHOULD
see
AN
ICE
CUBE
within
24-hours.
Ok, I admit it.
I got rude.
Just a little.
I abbreviated
my profanity,
so as not to
personally assault
this Robo-Rep's ears.
She took
complete umbrage at my
utter unwillingness
to wait the
required waiting period
for
one
single
ice cube
to appear.
"Well, that's how it works,"
she snidely let me know.
Really????
Does it say that in your manual??
24 hours?
Why not a week?
I have time.
Well, that encounter
finally ended &
at the
a single nugget
of frozen bliss
plopped into
its' waiting bin,
as promised.
They were true
to their word.
With two to spare...
Yeah, me.
Some months later,
yet still considered
brand-new...
I was returned
to the scene of
the crime.
No ice.
I don't think
I had enough
cash on hand
for bail.
Repeated the
entire scenario,
except this time
they accused me
of having items
in my freezer
and blocking the vents
that appear all around
the pull out bins.
I was informed
that these vents
MUST be kept clear,
so that the
'freeze'
can actually
circulate throughout.
As this information
was given to me,
I perused my freezer &
according to the specs of this
freeze-resistant box,
I could easily plan
to store
two items
without
blocking anything venty.
In late May of this year,
it happened again.
This time,
no bevy of experts.
No hand-holding.
They were
sending out
a tech!
Wow.
The tech shows up, after
WAITING
A WEEK
for an appointment.
He needs to see my
proof of warranty,
which was not
mentioned or
reminded to me
when
the appointment
was made.
Reluctantly, I called
SamShit.
Yes, I did.
I had to.
They informed me that our
ONE YEAR WARRANTY
had expired
at the close of April.
How does a
$2,500
appliancecome with
one year of service??
She quickly
reminded me that
we had paid
for an extended,
four-year warranty,
through
LOW'S ,
and that
SamShit
should not have
booked the appointment...
this was now
LOW'S
baby.
So,
LOW'S
tries to relay to
Mr. Repairman
that we are covered,
but his iPad
ain't getting the message.
After an hour and a half,
Mr. Repairman
is instructed by
his Mothership
to leave,
as they can't
rectify the situation.
I chased (ok, hobbled)
after his truck,
begging him to
come back for cash...
Or golf clubs.
No go.
No way.
And No ice.
But!!
before he left,
he threw
a thermometer in
the refrigerator &
informed me
that it
was approximately
60°
in there.
Back on the phone
to LOW'S.
LOW'S re-books
the appointment,
with the
same service center that
SamShit
had sent,
A WEEK &
A HALF LATER.
They inform me
that we have
$250 worth of
"Lost Food Coverage"
under our warranty.
Yippee. Great.
I had to dump
the entire contents of
the hot box &
write down
each item & it's price.
Just my organic mustard collection
cost us more than that...
10 days of take-out, salads &
bowls of cereal later,
two new Mr. Repairmen
show up on Tuesday.
They assure me
that they
are here
to save the day!
Real nice guys,
but I had no faith.
They informed me
that the
back panel of my
14-month old
SamShit
was frozen solid...
In the REFRIGERATOR.
Frozen!!!!
That's the word
I had been
looking for all along!
In the freezer, unfortunately.
When they realized that my
LITHIUM
required refrigeration,
they placed the order
for the parts,
on an
EMERGENCY BASIS.
The parts would be
over-nighted &
then I could call for
a new
appointment!
So, a big box
shows up
on Thursday,
which is over-night
on other planets.
I call the service center,
as directed
(and I use that term reluctantly)
&
tell them that
the parts have arrived.
I beg them
in three languages
to send someone
right over.
After they finished
rolling on the floor,
they inform me
that they can't do any better
than the following
TUESDAY.
We're now at the
four-week mark
and they're still using the word
'service'
in their name.
Apparently,
my now
unchilled Lithium stash
was of no mind
to them.
Stupid move.
On Monday,
another part
shows up by UPS!!
Gee, thank God
they sucketh mightily &
wouldn't get me in earlier...
I even, stupidly inquired,
(not because I'm anal retentive,
but because I've been
screwed over so many times),
at the time of the
placement of the emergency order,
if all parts would arrive
at the same time.
"They should."
Uh, Huh.
My other favorite word.
Like when I ask my husband,
"Honey, do we have enough gasoline
to get us home?"
"We SHOULD."
So, Tuesday comes &
they return.
This is what my
REFRIGERATOR
looked like:
Thank God we didn't opt for
the automatic water dispenser....
We'd probably get
flames shooting out.....
The now, over-flowing bin of ice
is just about the only
thing that's in this
piece of crap.
We're buying new
Duct Tape.
Suck it, SamShit.
~SusiTheJ~
Just a humble, ice-cube making kinda gal…
Just a humble, ice-cube making kinda gal…
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