Johnny Rides An Imbecile

Growing up in the 1970's
on Heath Avenue in The Bronx,

we spent every waking moment

that wasn't eaten up by school,
homework or chores,

OUTSIDE.

We played a million different games
 on that street,

but one of my favorites, stupidly, was

"Johnny Rides a Pony."

Until I wrote this,
I didn't know if this brain-storm 
was indigenous

to our neighborhood or not:

I just know that
wherever Johnny is today,

he's one wealthy bastard & 
 it's not because

his Father was a plumber.

Johnny's brilliant,

yet sadistic Father

must have been tired
of slumming &
 gave his son

some succinct instruction:

"Make up a game, that all of the kids

will want in on,

that will render all of them 
with future back problems

and the need to see a doctor

three times a week,

until they die."

"I shall call this new breed of doctor...

A Chiropractor.

So, one person on Team A
is "THE BRACE"
 against the wall of the building
 (this was the crappy job, that no one wanted.)

The next idiot bends down,
tucks their head to the side &

holds onto THE BRACE for dear life.

Five more crowd-pleasing morons

repeat the process, tucking their heads
 in alternating directions,

until there is a "Pony"..

a six-foot long Pony.

Then, the first player from Team B

would get a good, running start...

from three blocks away.

That person would go

galloping toward the Pony

and like Greg Luganis
hitting the high board,

would launch their pre-teen body

 as close to the Pony's head
(THE BRACE)

as they possibly could.

The next moron would line up &

repeat the process

until the entire opposing team

was on board or

until the Pony collapsed

 under the weight of Team B

and required Life-Support.

How f'ing stupid were we?

My parents drilled my brain about

being a leader...not a follower &

what did I do??

"If all your friends created a horse out of

their bodies & then had the rest of

the neighborhood jump on top of them,

would you be a part of the horse, too???"

"And for God's sake,
at least be THE BRACE!!"

 That parable went

right out the f'ing window.

If only technology had been sped up,
we would have been inside,
frying our brains on video games

like nice, normal kids of today do.

I bet they won't need back surgery & 

be screaming in the night,

like their idiot
 pre-adolescent
 predecessors.

I think "THE BRACE" was a ringer

that Johnny's Dad brought in...

Jus' sayin...

            ~SusiThe                                      J~



IF THE KEEBLER COOKIE COMMERCIAL WAS FILMED IN 1974 ON HEATH AVENUE

I felt an urgent compulsion

 to post some important commentary

about the recent commercial that

the Keebler Elves have put out:

Here's the drill....

Two sisters come

through the door, from school.

They’re greeted by their Mother,

asking how their day was.

They quickly blow her off

with a perfunctory "good" &

 head for the cupboard,

to get the bag of

Keebler Fudge-Stripes cookies.

The older,


taller sister






 

takes the package down,

only to discover that

there’s ONE cookie

left in the package.
Now what moron eats all but one cookie???

Her younger, impish sister

(not because she's cute, but because of her enormous elf ears) 

Now you think I'm nuts, since there's not a Dumbo-ear, in sight.....

But Hang on.....

...STARES HER DOWN,

as she holds the solo cookie and

 mulls her moral duty, as the first-born.

Instead of breaking the cookie

 into two pieces,

she hands

THE WHOLE F’ING THING

to her beloved, younger sibling.

The little brat actually

TAKES IT!!!,

and says,

 “Thank You,”

in a tone that implies 

her sister's altruistic decision

was a no-brainer from the start &

she really had no right to even hesitate,

in making it.

Bratty walks away to gobble it down

before her sister can change her mind,

just as the magical baking elves manage

to get another single cookie back in place.

The older one is a little taken aback,

by this mysterious occurrence,

but shrugs her shoulders &

 happily eats her mystical cookie.

BIG SPOILER ALERT!!!

(TOO LATE)

Okay, so if you haven't seen it,

I've ruined it for you...

but click once on the link below & go 

check it out, before you read any further:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbO7fR7eLEc

Holy Crap!

Did you see those ears, come & go,

from frame to frame? WTF is that??

This little girl is OBVIOUSLY

the secret love child of Prince Charles...

NOW, let's examine reality in my world:

         

In 1974, In A House On Heath Avenue:  

  
If my older brother

had actually been so generous to me,

apart from getting him an

MRI of the brain, toot sweet….

he would have beaten

the holy crap out of me,

for not giving him half

of the f’ng cookie,

 

for his selfless gift, 
which he now proved 

 I was not worthy of,
in the first place.

  

In 1974, In A House On Heath Avenue:  

  

....he STILL would have beaten

the holy crap out of me,

for not giving him half of
the entire f’ng cookie,

 

for his selfless gift,
 which he now proved 

 I was not worthy of,
in the first place.

In 1974, In A House On Heath Avenue:



My brother would have

laughed his ass off at me, that: 

1.  HE “found” the cookie,

2.  I was seriously S.O.L.


&

 3.  that would have been,

the end of that.

Or he would have licked it, first.



 

Dear Mike,

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

Ha, Ha, Ha,

I’m two years younger than you….

(So I should naturally live longer…)

 With Love,

Your Incredible, Wonderful Baby Sister....  

~SusiTheJ~