One fine, snowy weekend,
Lori and I decided to go to our
Ski House at
Hunter Mountain
on a girls-only outing.
She told me that she had invited
a co-worker.
As I recall,
a small chill
went down my spine.
I don't know why, exactly.
Then we discovered that the
co-worker had
failed to inform anyone
e.g. SURPRISE US!!!!
that she had invited
her psychotic sister.
Dana, the psychopath.
At first, they seemed
like a
hoot & a half.
They were like night and day,
in appearance
and, well
everything else.
Mostly Morals.
Debbie was
somewhat sweet...
Dana was a nightmare.
This girl spent
the first 30 seconds I met her
ragging on her
stupid-ass boyfriend,
who built her a
multi-million dollar home
in a tony town in
Westchester County, New York.
This man owned and operated his own
auto body repair shop.
She was pretty much using him,
to get everything
that she could manage to get from him.
She was pretty.
But she wasn't that pretty.
I guess she had that
certain..... jenesequa
that he just couldn't
do without.
Whatever.
I sat with my mouth
wide open,
listening to her go on and on
to an almost total stranger
about what a schmuck he was...
for all that she had
already
managed to take from him,
apparently without his
conscious consent.
So, after a good
6 minutes of
her braggery
about the
Green Metallic Jag-U-R
he provided
Ooops.
Wrong Pic.
and the size of her pool
that he dug with his
own two hands,
she said she
couldn't stand him,
couldn't stand him,
had no respect for him,
yet was pleasantly surprised to find
that she was having
the time of her life...
all on his dime.
I didn't even know
this poor fool,
but sooooo desperately
wanted to
find him and buy him
a few cups of coffee...
She then painted us a picture
of her wedding day
(to someone else)
when she came down
with a raging
Kidney Stone.
She had a $50,000 wedding
& didn't care if
she had blood
dripping from
her tiara...
she was, in fact,
getting married.
She was in such excrutiating pain,
that the doctor had given her multiple
rounds of Morphine
that morning.
She was so trashed,
that they had to wheel her into
the church..
Her head was hanging
off the vinyl back
of the wheelchair,
as her veil was getting caught up
in the wheels &
pulling on her head
like an upside down puppet.
The groom had NO IDEA
what had taken place
that morning,
so he was shell-shocked to see
his beautiful bride
drooling,
cursing &
singing at the top of her lungs,
as she was wheeled down
the aisle to him.
She swore to us that when the priest
asked if she took this man
to be her husband,
she loudly announced,
"Hey Father,
What The F#$ck do YOU think??"
So. It's Friday night in Hunter Mountain.
The bestest night of the week
in Ski Country, New York.
We were four ladies
(actually, make that three...
the other one was a dirtbag)
looking to go out and
find us a little fun
in the downtown boondocks
of Tannersville, New York.
In the parking lot of our Condo,
it was quickly and unfairly decided
that we were NOT taking my
leaking, Cutlass Supreme to the hot-spot.
We were going in Dana's
extortion mobile.
When we got outside, Lori thought I
was drooling over the car,
as I gently petted it.
What she didn't realize
was that I was crying on the inside,
remembering my
METALLIC GREEN
PEA PICKER...
The color had stuck in my little brain,
all of my life &
I found myself drawn to the color,
whenever I'd come upon it.
So no, short of chucking
all of my values out
the window,
I'd sooner take the bus
everywhere I went,
as opposed to using a man for a
luxury form of transportation:
PROVIDED THAT BUS WAS
HUNTER GREEN METALLIC ...
The club we went to
was packed....
Now, I was no stand-out
in a crowd,
but I was deeply & thoroughly
enjoying myself.
We had struck up a conversation
with a group of nice gentlemen
& we were dancing &
drinking & dancing
& hanging out.
It was just one of those nights
when you were completely ON.
Ya know?
They laughed at my jokes,
bought me drinks
and danced with me.
A lot.
Lori was the bystander...
she had a boyfriend,
back in Westchester.
It was just a good,
fun night.
About an hour
into my mayhem,
Lori comes over,
grabs my arm & says,
"We're Out Of Here...Wrap it up."
"Whhhhhaaaaaa????" I literally cried.
"Debbie is having
a HEART ATTACK &
we need to leave."
Wait.
What does that
have to do with me????
I don't know this woman.
I sure as hell
despised her sister &
I wasn't quite ready
to make hay.
My CPR skills weren't even
all that great, for Christ's sake!
"Are You Alright? Are You Ok?
Oooooh! I love this song!!!!"
I was always easily bored.
As I was dragged
off the dance floor,
I was sort of whining, crying &
stomping my feet
that my fun night had come
to a very screeching halt.
The next thing I know,
Lori & I are squooshed
into the backseat of
Dana's PussyMobile.
Dana the ho, is whipping down
Route 28
to the hospital in
Saugerties.
(Really??????)
I sure would
have begged to
be airlifted to Westchester.
Just saying.
This chick could not
drive for shit.
She is winding down
the mountain,
with Debbie in the front seat,
crying out that
she's seeing bright
lights flash before her eyes.
Uhm, Deb...that's not the
Angel of Death, love...
that's the on-coming headlights
from the on-coming traffic.
This is quite the cracker-jack gene-pool
I'm sitting in.
Oh, boy...is this gonna be a
long night in Saugerties.
Lori & I are huddled
together in the
back seat of this
emerald box on wheels,
with our arms
wrapped around
each other.
"I loved you, Lori.
You do know we're gonna die, right?"
" I loved you, too Sue....Yes, I know."
Maria Andretti,
the bloodsucking slut
was going to plunge
us off the side of the
icy mountain,
to our icy deaths below...
AND if we survived,
all four of us
would now be in need of a
defibrillator.
How does EMS determine
which coronary patient goes first???
Does the original person who cried "heart-attack!" get jump-started first?
I guess that would be only fair.
Hhhmmm...
So. The tires are
spinning & screaming.
Horns are blasting at us,
as Stupida can't even properly
kill us in her own lane,
but is now crossing the double line.
Lori & I remained in our
huddle of death,
with our eyes tightly shut,
as we didn't care
to witness the
decapitation of Debbie,
who was intermittently
screaming & praying.
I couldn't make out
if she was praying to God
because she knew
she was going to die
or because she could actually
see
that she was.
It was just a jumbled blur.
All of a sudden,
Dana The Dangerous,
spins the car
into the perfect parking spot
in the Emergency Room lot.
Dana is violently dragging Debbie
out of the passenger door,
as she's screaming for a stretcher &
a priest.....
because her beloved sister
is about to die.
Debbie suddenly looks up
at Dana with an expression of,
"Oh, shit...I am dying. I knew it!"
Somehow, Lori and I got
left in the still of the Saugerties night,
in the back seat,
with both the
driver's door and
passenger door
wide open, like something out of
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
We sit silently, staring ahead for a good
minute or so.
Then we stare at each other.
We suddenly realize that
we are both trashed &
we crack up laughing...
This car is so f'ing small
that we had to pull each other
out of the tiny bucket seats
to be able to exit the car.
We're both in four-inch heels,
trying to maneuver
the icy pavement
beneath us.
This is probably the
turning point in my life,
when I started to
carry sneakers with me,
wherever I would go.
You just never
knew when your evening
would go to shit.
By the time we are upright...
out of the Jag,
we are drunk, laughing &
stumbling through
the doors of boondock medical hell.
We are trying to ascertain
where Debbie & Slutso went to.
Can't find them anywhere.
We're waiting in the hallway
& Lori decides to call her boyfriend
even though it's many hours into
the wee hours of the morning
and
he's a surgeon..
who had surgery the next morning.
Just to say "Hi."
Yikes.
We are giggling through
this whole episode
because we never got an
opportunity to consume any food
while we consumed too much vodka.
The nurse finally comes out
and tells us that our friend...
singular, as in only one of them,
would like us to come in.
Oh my God.
Did this chick really die?????
We're giggling like drunken sailors &
she passed away??
Wait! Maybe we'd caught a break
& Debbie was still breathing!
We walk into the E.R. bay
where she was lying and say,
"Debbie, how are you feeling?"
"Susan, you are sooooo drunk!" Ho-Ho, the
shitty driver loudly exclaims
for the nurse to hear.
"That's not Debbie, that's Dana...
Lori shoots me a look that
tells me I'm not the slow one here.
Apparently, Debbie had herself NO
medical insurance,
whatsoever.
But guess who did????
Probably the only kind of
kind act
this girl ever committed...
even if it was illegal.
So, Debbie-Dana stupidly
keep engaging us
in conversation
that frankly,
we were just too drunk
to keep up with.
Every time we answered
one of them,
it would come out as
Debdana....
Not bad...it worked...
I believe this is
where presenting
a picture I.D.
with your insurance card
was born.
By the time we were sprung from
Saugerties Hospital,
it was 4:30am.
Debdana was released
with a very
serious diagnosis:
"Gas????
Are you f'ing kidding me???"
We were almost plummeted off
the side of Mount Hunter....
were yanked away
from the best
night of innocent debauchery
we'd had in a dog's day
& she's got GAS????
Coulda, woulda, shoulda
stuck a pin in her
& went back to the dance floor.
f.m.l.
Now, here's the kicker:
Two weeks later,
I was creamed on the
Cross Bronx Expressway...
Yep. This one.
I was banged up pretty badly,
but came out alive.
My car, however,
did not.
My brother, who was a
Police Officer in a
somewhat local vicinity,
made arrangements to have my
half-dead car
towed to the guy
that did all of the body work
on the police cars.
When I could finally
move around,
Mike drove me
to see this man...
to talk about the damage on my car.
Mike introduces me to Billy,
who is just a teddy-bear of a guy...
a real sweetheart.
We chatted for a while &
then he leads me to a trailer,
which doubled as the office...
to fill out some paperwork.
I hobble up the stairs on my crutches &
I'm face-to-face with.....
the Jaguar-owning skank.
Now talk about the merits
of having a defibrillator
at your place of work.
Anybody got change for the bus????
~SusiTheJag-U-R-Less~
KarmaKarmaKarmaKarmaKarmaKarmaKarm
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