Fete Accompli, a la Grucci...

Because I have lived a life marred
by such occurrences as
being born on Leap Year,

being an actress...

from the very second of

my entrance onto Planet Earth,


as well as being the
general class clown that I am,

I decided…a long time ago,

that I would have to

exit Earth,

spectacularly.

I have attended my fair-share

of memorials & the like.

I have heard every sweet story,

of having ashes sprinkled

over the heartland,




over the ocean &







over ex-lovers,

but mine is unique.

I told Doug, when we were planning
our final arrangements,

just what I envisioned.

Now, being a wee lass,
who is a whopping six years

younger than my husband, 

I have to have contingency plans,

in case he goes first.

or not


My plan is to

execute,

pay for &

have Notarized,


my final wishes...

for my final hur-rah.

I plan to pay for this shin-dig
with all of my F-You Money...

that's code for money that I've earned,

killing myself for nothing:

...my pension from Revlon.

I have documented my desires,
should my husband outlive me &
 try to take the proceeds
for these plans &
have his beloved
1980 Trans Am rebuilt


 

or something..

I’ll expect you
to do the right thing &
call him on this,
should you out-live me & actually get
 an invite to this beach bash...

As it just so happened,
 I recently portrayed
 a Blonde Zombie in

"Rusty Hillenmeyer's-

 How To Survive A Zombie Outbreak,"

so it's obvious that I am
 an expert on the subject.


And since I have

SOMETHING

against 

ANYTHING

eating my remains...

be it worms,

maggots or

the dreaded Zombie,

I wish to be cremated.

After everyone is done
throwing their
grief-stricken bodies on my
limp & dead remains,

 I want my ashes to be

taken to the Grucci family,

to be professionally
stuffed into specific
Roman Candles & the like.

I expect 

AND

 will pay for

a magnificent display of my

dead ass...

all over the night sky.

 

 I envision this Last Soiree,

 as follows:

A whole fun,

family-surrounded-afternoon of

sun,

surf,

food & booze.

Hopefully, no one goes &
gets eaten by a shark &

tinkles all over my final festivities...

But I selfishly digress.

At dusk, everyone can go
to the provided facilities &
shower off, from their day

in the sand

and the sun

and the Banana Boat.

They will put on sweatshirts &
return to the beach...

to a prepared,
ass-kicking clambake &
liquor-fueled fest.

Those little sand chairs
will be provided,

to sit as low as you desire

to the ocean,

as you sip your

Kendall Jackson Chard

 and think of how
stupidly generous I was,

serving MY favorite Chardonnay,

when I don’t even get a sip,



cause I ain't got no lips...

You will eat,

drink &

be very merry...

all on my dime.

You will reminisce about

stupid things I’ve done with you or

shared with you or

how I almost

got you killed that one time.


 

When the sky is pitch black,

all of the sand chairs will be
 pulled into a nice circle,

like the beginning of Jaws...

hopefully without

the ending of Jaws.

Grucci employees/descendents

will be toiling from

a safe distance,

to light up the sky...


with Moi, inside. 

When the first ooohhhh!

is heard, that’ll be me

you’re ooohhhing at.

I will be colorful &

I will be spectacular.

 

There will be no tears…

Just some good Chardonnay,

as you share an old, old girl's goofy stories,

with a few snarky observations thrown in,

from real time....

When you gather your kids

(or your great-grandkids)

 to go home,

you’ll be all warm & fuzzy,

 as the stardust from the evening sky,

 will remain in the children’s hair,

long after you tuck them in to sleep...

 

I can’t envision a

more wicked ending,

to one hell of a wild ride...


 

~ Thanx, D.J.~

I hope you can make it...

     

 ~ SusiTheJ ~

  

Ickthyology & Duct Tape

Much to my Mother's chagrin,

I managed to marry a

card-carrying Republican,

Presbyterian Golf Pro, 

with a burning passion

 for Gettysburg

designing golf courses,

playing golf,

Golf Quest...Brookfield, CT.


...The Kennedy
Assassination

Conspiracy 





&

 Ichthyology.

(ICK-THEE-OLOGY)

Ichthyology (from Greek: ἰχθύς, ikhthus, "fish"; and λόγος, logos, "study") is the branch of zoology devoted to the study of fish. This includes skeletal fish (Osteichthyes), cartilaginous fish (Chondrichthyes), and jawless fish (Agnatha). While a majority of species have probably been discovered and described, approximately 250 new species are officially described by science each year. According to FishBase, 31,500 species of fish had been described by January 2010.^[1] There are more fish species than the combined total of all other vertebrates: mammals, amphibians, reptiles and birds.

The practice of ichthyology is associated with marine biology, limnology and fisheries science.

You're welcome....

Throughout the years,

I have heard him throw out references

about his love and knowledge

of the deep blue sea.

As a matter of fact,

when he took me to see

The Deep Blue Sea,

a week before our wedding in 1999 

(I chose Runaway Bride, but lost on a dime toss),

I fervently informed him that if ANYONE in this cockamamie movie got his head bitten off by whatever was the star of the D.B. Sea,

that I would take HIS head off...

I was a little stressed from

wedding-prep difficulties &

 needed an easy-breezy kinda flick.

I think I heard Doug
wimpering in the dark... 






when Samuel L. Jackson
got his head ripped clean off 

In 1,800 years together,

he has taken me

through 3,000 viewings of Jaws.

I think he's aware

that there were a

whole slew of them made,

but I have
never once seen anything

but the original with him.

We watched Old Faithful

again last night.

I was being a smart-ass,

cutting up & telling him that

I had just recently reviewed

some pictures from the movie,

in research for this blog of mine.

I found a picture a few weeks ago,

that perfectly described the mood

I was in and how life was treating me.

 

Along with all of those showings of Jaws,

I also got the great tour of every 

'Air Jaws',

'Rogue Shark'

&

'Shark Girls Gone Wild'...

Most loving men
entice their women
 with the promise of
 a week in Paris...

or a week in Aruba....

I get a week in front
of the boob tube,

with Great Whites
 infiltrating my dreams

for the next seven days...

The big Magilla of them all.....

Shark Week.

After all of these years,

I've actually become

relatively knowledgable on the facts

of this predator and his cousins. 

Like the fact that the

 Great White Shark

lives for about 25 years.

A Great White Shark

can roll its eyeballs back,

which protects the

 vital front part of the eye

from being scratched.

 

In one year,

a single Great White

consumes about 11 tons of food.

That comes out to roughly

840 cute little seals.

During one of the
multitudes of viewings,

 Doug decided to spring the

"Ampullae of Lorenzini"

on me,

 just to prove once & for all if I listen
to a single word he says.

Well, of course I do.

I said, 



"Lauren Who?"

After he gave me a snarky look,

 he went on to explain.

This ampullae is basically

 the command center for Jabber Jaw...

it's a little bit radar, it's a little bit sonar &

a good dose of instinct for a meal,

all rolled into one little set of

 impulses in the shark.

Since I had a good idea of how Jaws 

was going to turn out last night,

I couldn't help but to go for the giggle.

I told him that I had single-handedly

come up with the solution

on how these

 "Beasts of the Deep"

 &

the  "Beasts of Bayonne"

could all manage
to share the ocean & not end up
like the stupid Kintner kid.

 

And while we're at it....
what the hell ever happened to

PIPPET???

His doofy owner
throws the damned stick into
shark infested waters &
 the picture below is the last we see of the

poor little fella....

Pisses me off...
every single time we watch it.

I didn't care about
the Kintner kid...

He was splashing around,

like an out-of-control  little moron &

 brought it on himself.  

 Jus' sayin...

Next thing you know,

no Pippet...

no doofy owner....

Pippet bought the farm before

 Alex Kintner did,


yet no one even noticed.

 I can't help but picture
his little Labby face,
knowing Doofy had
just turned him into

lunch at the beach...

This was the bounty poster

at the town meeting in the movie:

"A $3,000.00 Bounty To The Man Or Men

Who Catch And Kill The Shark

That Killed Alex M. Kintner

On Sunday Jun 29th on the

Amity Town Beach."

Since I personally feel
that little Alex

brought this on himself,

with all of that stupid splashing, 

 I reworked the poster:

"A $13,000.00 Bounty
To The Man Or Men

 Who Catch & Kill
The Shark That Killed 

Pippet 

On Sunday Jun 29th on the

 Amity Town Beach."

When I was little &

 my parents took us to a nice,

wholesome R-Rated Movie,

1967


Bonnie & Clyde

1971

  

1972



The Godfather, Part I

 

Guess What? NO ONE took me to see The Godfather, Part II.

What's Up With That??

I WAS BORN IN 1964...

Uh, huh.

I only cried when the

horses or dogs were killed…

never batted an eyelash when


 the humans bit the big one.  

Hhmmmm…..

Sorry, I totally wigged out
for a minute there...

Back to my solution about shark attacks:

I propose that a cover or a cap of sorts

 be developed that can be

 attached to Big Whitey,

to block out his command center.

That way, any little morons

splashing in the ocean

will not ring the dinner bell,

sending the shark swimming

from six miles away,

just to get a taste of a scrawny little kid &
   get my fat ass, instead. 

    

Doug looked at me like
I was mentally ill &
inquired how I proposed

to attach the cover to the shark.

"Duct tape," I proudly proclaimed.

He stared blankly at me,

like I had really scared him &

 said there were a few problems

with my genius idea.

With a hand in mid-air,
I cut him off mid-sentence:

"I know, I know...

I have to find

water-proof duct tape."

 

 

3M 051131980044 Duct Tape - Multi-Use - 2 Inch x 30 Yard

$3 online, $7 nearby

An economical tape made with a tough polyethylene film bonded to strong polycotton blend cloth.

Good weather and moisture resistance.   That should hold it...no?

No. 1110-A: 48mm x 10 yd. No. 11

30-A: 48mm x 30 yd. No. 1160-A: 48mm x 60 yd.

"Well.

 I didn't even think of that,"

he very generously offered.

 "I was thinking you'd run into

 a bit of a struggle, trying to get

the shark to cooperate,

while you attach your little cover to

 the underside of his FACE."

“Oh.”

I guess it’s a work in progress…

Hey, Honey…

Thanx for all of the stuff you give me,

that makes me smarter.

~SusiTheJ~  

Shark Girl, Extraordinaire